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Hello, everyone! For a change, a smattering of the ridiculous. Featuring an incompetent Emperor, two snarky Jedi, a smart Senator, and a new use for mouthwash.


                “And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… our benevolent Emperor!” shouted Mas Amedda. Everyone groaned and clapped hands over their ears. Palpatine came out, looking short and dumpy in his fancy robes, grinning from ear to ear and looking, quite frankly, ridiculous. Obi-Wan wondered momentarily if the grin wrapped all the way around the back of the self-avowed Sith Lord’s head, shuddered at the mental image, and hastily shoved it away.

“My dear people!” Palpatine shouted. “From your most beloved leader…”

“BOO!” Orn Fre Taa shouted.

“Your most humble, modest, kind, generous…”

“…narcissistic, brainless, incompetent, blue in the face from ostentatious self-praise…” Obi-Wan added in an aside to Bail Organa in the next Senate pod over, who found it hilarious.

“Blah blah blah blah blah EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” Anakin shouted, making the yappy-mouth sign with his mechanical hand.

Padme, who had her earbuds in (she’s better prepared than all of us put together! Obi-Wan thought), popped one out and handed it to Anakin. They began to dance around the pod, singing “Mean.”

You, with your words like knives

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like I’m nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I’m wounded

You, picking on the weaker man


You can take me down with just one single blow

But you don’t know what you don’t know

Then, the whole Senate burst out singing.

Someday I’ll be living in a big ol’ city

And all you’re ever gonna be is mean

Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me

And all you’re ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Palpatine didn’t even notice. At least that way, Obi-Wan reflected, the speech was much more bearable.

Even if he didn’t know the lyrics to any Taylor Swift songs (which Siri would probably remedy as rapidly as she could, if she ever found out, which Obi-Wan was determined she wouldn’t.)

As the meeting broke up and the Senators rushed out like kids released from school at the final bell, laughing and chatting, Obi-Wan walked out with Bail, Anakin, and Padme.

“Next time let’s bring a big ol’ boombox with us!” Anakin was saying. Obi-Wan decided that he would leave the plotting in his former Padawan’s more than competent hands and bowed to Padme.

“My lady, I hope you will excuse me. I have to go home and gargle with Listerine.”

“BURNED!” Anakin shouted.