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~ A random repository of how-to-write and geekery, with an occasional snippet of accidental wisdom.

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Tag Archives: alice in wonderland

The Mad Tea Party, Old College-style

04 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by erinkenobi2893 in Living Life with Passion, Tales of a Wandering Bard, Uncategorized

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

a tale of two cities, alice in wonderland, c.s. lewis, charles dickens, humor, lewis carroll, old college, parody, portergirl, satire, secret diary of portergirl, selay'uu (sort of), technology humor, the chronicles of narnia, what have you, writing

With heartfelt thanks to PorterGirl for the loan of her characters, Charles Dickens because Sydney Carton is awesome, and apologies to Lewis Carroll for mangling his dialogue and mistreatment of a scene from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

The Mad Tea Party

                For some reason, the sky was mauve. It wasn’t even sunset. The sky was just… mauve. The roses were chartreuse, giving the Queen of Hearts something else to scream about. And the lilies were electric blue. (As anyone who has gardened or studied horticulture much at all can attest, certain flowers are not ever naturally blue. You can see at once how strange this was.)

Deputy Head Porter admired the gardens as she passed. It wasn’t every day that you saw chartreuse roses and electric-blue lilies, though lime-colored zinnias were becoming more common. She ducked under an abnormally tall sunflower with bright red petals and nodding faces and came to the gate in the hedge. The gate led to a path, which led up to a charming little house, with a tree growing next to it. And under the tree stood a huge dining room table, on the grass. Curiously, Deputy Head Porter pushed the gate open.

Senior Tutor, Junior Bursar, and the Dean were all seated, scrunched together, at one end. As soon as he saw her, Junior Bursar thumped on the table with a large spoon, bellowing, “No room! No room!” The Dean was too busy trying to keep his toothpick-and-card tower from collapsing due to Junior Bursar’s enthusiastic table-thumping to say much, and Senior Tutor, who, Deputy Head Porter thought, must be more than a little deaf, was asleep.

“Do you ever talk at less than a bellow, old boy?” the Dean asked. Junior Bursar ignored it.

“There is plenty of room,” Deputy Head Porter said firmly and sat down a few seats away from the others.

“Have some wine,” the Dean said, absentmindedly, as he added turrets, battlements, and a cornice to his tower.

“I don’t see any wine,” Deputy Head Porter replied, staring at the other end of the table. There was one other person at the table; she had missed the fourth person before, due to the other’s position hidden by the hedge. The fourth person at the table was dressed like Sydney Carton, complete with cravat and a damp towel wound around her head like a turban. Stranger still, though, was the fact that she had a partially unfolded card table set up around herself like a screen. She was scribbling away busily.

“Don’t mind me,” this strange apparition said. “I’m not important.”

“Would you like some tea?” Deputy Head Porter said, politely.

“Oh, yes, please,” the stranger said. Deputy Head Porter began to prepare a mug for her.

“There isn’t any wine,” said Senior Tutor sleepily. (1) Junior Bursar snorted.

“What is the velocity of an unladen swallow?” he asked. (2)

“It is in direct proportion to the wind direction and momentum and indirect to the number of minutes the swallow has been flying,” said Miss Sydney Carton. “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”

“You’ve spilled ink on both,” retorted Junior Bursar.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat,” Senior Tutor interjected sleepily.

“Is he drunk?” asked Miss Sydney, who apparently was spending less of her attention on her writing than she had been before. (1)

“No,” said Deputy Head Porter, with solid conviction. Sydney flicked a rock at the carafe full of pink lemonade, toppling it over and drenching Senior Tutor.

“Eh, what?” said Senior Tutor, before collapsing back into dreamland. The Dean completed his tower, and Deputy Head Porter obligingly took a picture of it with her cell phone. Sydney flicked another rock at the tower, which for some reason, did not collapse. Then she threw her pen at it. It stuck there, leaking ink over the playing cards. Everyone promptly forgot about it.

“What a dull bunch of layabouts you are,” the Dean said, staring purposefully around the table. Vindictively, Junior Bursar squeezed lemon into his tea. The Dean didn’t notice. “What was happening before?”

“Nothing,” said Sydney Carton.

“Let’s play a game, then,” said the Dean. “Deputy Head Porter, what would you like to play?”

“Truth or Dare,” Deputy Head Porter said, feeling adventurous. Sydney Carton coughed, though whether to disguise a chuckle or her own surprise may never be known.

“Miss Carton,” the Dean said, “would you like to go first?”

“All right,” said Sydney. “Truth.”

“Do you ever stop writing?” Junior Bursar interposed, before anyone else could speak. Sydney leaped to her feet and hurled her card table off the dining table with a loud bang. It disappeared in a flash and puff of smoke, and Sydney snarled an imprecation at no one in particular.

Startled momentarily awake, Senior Tutor asked, “are you really a mathematical genius?” Sydney sat back down and sighed, smoothing her trousers out.

“We may as well make the rule that Truth answers a question from the field, so long as any question—but not all questions—may be refused, but everyone must agree on a Dare,” she said, much calmer now.

“Was it Junior Bursar who made the card table disappear?” Deputy Head Porter asked.

“Have you ever won a game of chess,” the Dean said, thoughtfully. Sydney grimaced.

“No, no chess victories,” she said. “Junior Bursar did not make the card table disappear; that was my doing. It was an accident!” she protested. No one contradicted, but no one particularly believed her. “As to being good at math, yes, well, according to the tests. But after a point, it’s all a muddle, and I lose interest.” She fixed Junior Bursar with a stern eye. “As to writing, no, in fact, I don’t ever stop writing. It’s addictive.” She leaned slightly back in her chair. “Your turn, Junior Bursar.” However, Junior Bursar seemed to be distracted. He had pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and was staring at it, hitting various icons and then holding it up to his ear. Deputy Head Porter looked at him oddly.

“Is there a problem, sir?” she asked.

“I suppose,” he snapped. “What day is it?”

“It’s the fourth.”

“Two days slow,” the Dean marveled, looking over his shoulder. “Whatever have you done to that poor mobile, Junior Bursar?”

“Senior Tutor is asleep again,” Junior Bursar commented with interest.

“Red herring,” snapped Sydney impatiently, at the exact same time as the Dean. “Jinx! You owe me a soda!” Sydney shouted. (3) Everyone ignored her.

“Wait. It says the exact same time as it did five minutes ago,” the Dean noted. “It’s stopped.”

“That’s impossible, it’s a mobile,” said Junior Bursar.

“Maybe it’s broken,” said Deputy Head Porter, helpfully.

“My watch broke once,” remarked Sydney. “It’s always six o’clock now.” Satisfied with her witticism, she stood up and recited her party piece.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat,

How I wonder what you’re at.

Up above the world you fly,

Like a tea tray in the sky! (4)

                Suddenly, the gate flew open and in marched Lewis Carroll himself. “Are you enjoying yourselves?” he asked, cheerfully.

“Very much,” said Deputy Head Porter politely. Sydney busied herself with her pencil, as her pen was still stuck to the Dean’s card tower.

“Good,” Mr. Carroll said. He glanced at Sydney. “Charles Dickens is looking for you, you know. You’re going to catch it when he finds you!” With that, Mr. Carroll left.

“Hasn’t anyone heard of cosplay?” Miss Sydney grumbled, as the others leaned back, aghast. Lost for words, the Dean picked up his cup and tried to sip at his—now overly sour—tea.

The mad tea party dissolved in absolute chaos a moment later.

Footnotes

  1. See “The Committee for the Prevention of Drunken Behavior.”
  2. I have never seen Monty Python. I just thought this quote was hilarious.
  3. This is something my dear friend Iris says when we say the same thing at the exact same moment.
  4. This one is actually a bit more complex. To quote “Lewis Carroll: Photographer”, by Helmut Gernsheim, Chanticleer, 1949 (found in “The Annotated Alice,” annotations by Martin Gardener, W.W. Norton & Co., New York, 2000,) “At Christ Church the usually staid don relaxed in the company of little visitors to his large suite of rooms—a veritable children’s paradise. There was a wonderful array of dolls and toys, a distorting mirror, a clockwork bear, and a flying bat made by him. This latter was the cause of much embarrassment when, on a hot summer afternoon, after circling the room several times, it suddenly flew out of the window and landed on a tea-tray which a college servant was just carrying across Tom Quad. Startled by this strange apparition, he dropped the tray with a great clatter.” Frequent readers of Secret Diary of PorterGirl will catch the reference, and why I included this particular piece of trivia.

For those who were wondering, yes, I am the bashful, impatient, ridiculous Sydney Carton cosplayer. It wasn’t an intentional self-insert. At first, it was actually supposed to be Lewis Carroll himself in the fourth chair, but then the card table made an appearance (and eventually disappearance) and it turned out to be me… Aslan save us all. (Does it count as Mary Sue-ness if the self-portrayal is deprecatingly honest?)

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Teens Can Write Too!: Books or Movies?

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by erinkenobi2893 in Living Life with Passion, Story Dynamics, Tales of a Wandering Bard, Uncategorized

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

a&e, alice in wonderland, baronness emma orczy, bbc, bbc sherlock, c.s. forester, c.s. lewis, courageous, disney, dumas, film, filmmaking, fireproof, horatio hornblower, hornblower, independent films, iris, j.r.r. tolkien, james fenimore cooper, jane austen, joe morlino, lewis carrol, movies, navis pictures, novels, pixar, plans of trust, pride and prejudice, seaward, sherwood pictures, star wars, steven graydanus, susan cooper, t.h. white, tangled, teens can write too blog chain, the chronicles of narnia, the last of the mohicans, the lord of the rings, the once and future king, the scarlet pimpernel, the sword in the stone, the three musketeers, the war of the vendee, through the looking glass

First of all, I’d like to say that if my books ever get published, and if I ever get a proposal to make movies based on my novels, I definitely want to be in on the process. Not only do I want my books to stay at least reasonably like the books–I don’t mind characters who don’t look like they did in the books so much, as long as they act like the characters in the books–and not only have I seen too many movies where the essence and messages of the books were lost, but I’m also fascinated by all things filmmaking. 😉 See Plans of Trust. Also see The War of the Vendee, from Navis Pictures, and the Sherwood Pictures films. All of these movies are done by independent groups and have more charm and in most cases better acting than Hollywood movies. I have not seen Plans of Trust yet, but Vendee, Courageous, and Fireproof are among my favorite films of all time. Thank you, Mr. Morlino! And I know that was off-topic… In the case that I have passed away by the time my books catch the eye of some director, then I hope my estate will definitely be consulting. (My de facto, informal will at this time is pretty much that Iris inherits all my writing stuff, including unfinished texts, with the hopes that she will continue them. Also, anyone else may build on my work with Iris’ permission. The rights to my completed poems and novels go to my family, to help support them.)

Wow, I just got really off track. I’ll blame it on my cold. (The same cold that Obi-Wan also caught and is still recovering from… *sigh*)

Now, I think that it’s only fair if we judge the movie by its own criteria and not by the industry in general. There have been marvelous adaptions (aka, The Lord of the Rings and the Hornblower series,) and there have been bad ones (Alice in Wonderland… *shudder* Frankly, I’ll take my chances with the Balrogs and mumakil. I don’t want to face a Jabberwocky or a Mock-Turtle. Ever again. But maybe I’m unfair, even if the movie sucked. The books was almost as creepy… Sorry, I just can’t read Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, or any of the book clones *cough* Seaward *cough* without suffering nightmares. The book destroyed my childhood, and the movie freaked me out.)
The adaption of The Lord of the Rings is a great movie, but it does play free with certain parts of the books. And yet, at the same time, it goes very well as an adaption of the books. It can stand alone, yes, but it also ties in very well with the books, if we can stay our bookish-snobbishness for the time being as we watch the movies. The only thing that really annoys me is if someone takes only what happens in the movies as “canon”. To me, the books will always be the only canon. People love to hate on The Lord of the Rings for eliminating Tom Bombadil, having other elves than Legolas at Helm’s Deep, the too-early deaths of Sauruman and Wormtongue and Frodo telling Sam to go home on Cirith Ungol (yes, those last two are my own private pet peeves), but frankly it’s probably the best book adaption out there if you use both epicness and true-to-the-book-ness as your measure.
The A&E adaption of The Scarlet Pimpernel, starring Richard E. Grant, is another really good adaption, if you can temporarily suspend your sense of disbelief and/or your booksnob attitude. True, it plays free with the situations, historical accuracy, and (to an extent) Chauvelin’s appearance and character, but if you like action and historical movies, this is your cup of tea, courtesy of the BBC. (To balance out the blah-history-ness in the third movie of the trilogy, Mademoiselle Guillotine, I highly recommend The War of the Vendee, above. Also, this same movie has the best villainess I have ever seen in any movie! She almost beats Lady De Winter from The Three Musketeers for sheer evil and disgustingness and oh-heaven-I-so-want-to-slaughter-her!)
The Hornblower movies, also from A&E, are perhaps the only franchise about which I will ever say “I actually liked the movies better than the books.” The C.S. Forester classics, while good reading, can be very dark and a little depressing at times, not to mention the blood. C.S. Forester is nothing if not honest. Not necessarily family-friendly material. However, if you ignore the four-letter words (which, let me promise you, is pretty much limited to just ‘hell’ or ‘damn’), you find yourself in the middle of a movie just about everyone can like. If there is one disappointing thing about this series, it’s that it didn’t follow the course of all the books and take the unfinished one–Hornblower During the Crisis–which would have had Horatio as a spy *swoons*!–into the cinema world as a full blown story.
And I need not even mention Sherlock, which is sheer brilliance!
Now, for the not-so-good.
The Chronicles of Narnia (the old BBC adaptions.) While these were charming movies and re-created the charm of the books quite well, they weren’t all that imaginative, and they cut some of my favorite scenes from the books. Also, the series was discontinued, leaving the count at The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and The Silver Chair. And… *cough cough* I would like to see anyone try to make a movie of The Last Battle. It could never be as awesome as the book!
…Ahem.
The Sword in the Stone. It is a cute family movie, but let’s face it–except for bits of the face-off between Merlyn and Madame Mim (Yes, I spelled Merlyn right! This is how he’s spelled in the T.H. White-verse–probably to differentiate from the falcon species… which does appear in the book…), this movie is absolutely nothing like the book. It lacks the book’s charm and humor and incredible detail. It cuts out chunks (the more interesting ones) from the book, it completely mutilates Kay… I could go on and on. Not that I have any particular hate for this movie. Like I said before, it’s a nice little family movie. It’s just not… all that memorable. Unlike the book. I’m glad they stopped there rather than trying to make the whole Once And Future King cycle into animated movies. It’s a movie about Merlyn educating the Wart. It’s not a movie about the Wart, the Wart and Kay, or even the Wart and Merlyn. It’s not exactly character-oriented, which is probably why it’s less than memorable. (Though Archimedes was adorable. Which is almost sacrilege, to a fan of the books… No spoilers. >:-D)
The Last of the Mohicans. (The animated one.) It’s another charming family movie–and not really forgettable–it might even be a cult classic–but it’s just not the book. Characters were different. Different people died. (More people die in the book, which gives it a more complex aspect. No spoilers. :-3) Again, recurring theme here, it lacked much of the humor of the book, such as SPOILER Major Heyward trying to impersonate Hawkeye END SPOILER.Now, the book might be both sexist and racist, but let’s face it–almost anything could be labeled sexist or racist in one way or another. And it’s a classic, and a good read besides. Need I say more?
But about the movie, I did rather like it. But if I’m looking for entertainment when I’m not absolutely worn out by Raya’s antics, I’m going to the book.
Pride and Prejudice, starring Keira Knightley. Most Austen movies tend to be very close to the books, but this one… All I can say is pretty much… meh. The acting may be good, but the story is pretty much insipid–at least to someone who’s seen the version with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Its only advantage above the latter movie is that it’s shorter–and some people wouldn’t call that an advantage. (I only do because I’d really rather read Austen than watch Austen. No offense, people.)
This movie is also fairly good, but next to the A&E version… it does not stand a chance.
I would like to present a new set of criteria for judging movies (and especially book adaptions) as a whole, which is based on the way Steven Graydanus breaks down the good and the bad in his film critiques. It is based on systematic evaluation of the message, the way it executes the story, and the divergences, which should be justified. While critiquing any art form is in itself an art, this should at least simplify it for people who don’t have much experience with critique. Be forewarned, though, it takes a little math, and some familiarity with negative values.
  1. Message. Is the message true to the book? On a scale of one to five. How good or bad is it? (Yes, add points to score; no, subtract points from score. If the message is virtually unrecognizable or mangled into a twisted dark clone of itself, subtract up to ten points.)
  2. Trueness to the book. (Yes, +0points; no, -1point unless it’s really really bad. Then -3points.)
  3. Diversions from the book. (Yes, +0points; no, -1point. Come on. It’s a movie. It is a separate entity. And if it has no diversions, it’s unimaginative.)
  4. Execution of diversions from book, on a scale of one to five. (Well done; +points. Poorly done; -points.)
  5. Execution of book canon portions, on a scale of one to five. (Well done; +points. Poorly done; -points. Superbly done; +7 to 10 points. Extremely badly done; -7 to 15 points. Yes, I’m a cynic. The real question is… are you?)
  6. General inventiveness, on a scale of one to five. (Well done; +points. Poorly done; -0points. Unless it’s completely unimaginative, in which case -up to 5 points.
  7. For Christians, believers in moral absolutes, and concerned parents only! Moral value, on a scale of one to five. (Moral value positive: +0 points. Moral value extremely positive: +5 points. Moral value negative: -up to 7 points.)
  8. Special effects, on a scale of one to five. (Good; +0points. Poor; -1point. Poor but ignorable; -0points. Poor for a reason–such as to emulate another era or style of film– +1point.)
  9. Other. For depressiveness, euphoria, simple beauty, etc. + or – up to 5 points.
Bear in mind, this system is not perfect. Different people will most likely get different scores on the same movies. Lord of the Rings scored 20 (17 without morality points), and the BBC show Sherlock scored 27 (24 without morality points), due to its sheer inventiveness and addictiveness. Alice in Wonderland, on the other hand, scored a -11, or a -13 without morality points. *shudders* I really, really dislike that movie.

So, in general, I am a connoisseur of movies, and a lover of books, but I have my limits. And some things (such as blatant departures from book canon without any justification, or book canon so badly done it doesn’t even recall the book canon,) just drive me nuts. In general, I’m not as hard on fairy tale adaptions as I am on book adaptions (Tangled scored a princely 23, 22 without morality points–yes, I only gave it one morality point, because she runs away from the only parent figure she’s known and disobeys and rebels–she got the point because she’s a peacemaker and willing to sacrifice herself), but that’s mostly because folk tales belong to everyone and sheesh, I know what it’s like to slave and suffer over a book for months and years and then realize it’s not what you want and overhaul it and spend blood from your paper cuts and tears from your text cuts on it! A book is a little piece of the author’s heart. With something that personal, it needs respect. Just as movies are little pieces from the hearts of everyone who worked on them.

I hope you enjoyed the post. Be sure to check in for the other bloggers’ posts in this blog chain!

5th – http://nasrielsfanfics.wordpress.com/

6th – http://theloonyteenwriter.wordpress.com/

7th – http://sammitalk.wordpress.com/

8th – http://thelittleenginethatcouldnt.wordpress.com/

9th – http://insideliamsbrain.wordpress.com/

10th – http://maralaurey.wordpress.com/

11th – http://charleyrobson.blogspot.com/

12th – http://taratherese.wordpress.com/

13th – http://theweirdystation.blogspot.com/

14th – http://fairyskeletons.blogspot.com/

15th – http://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/

16th – http://novelexemplar.wordpress.com/

17th – http://magicandwriting.wordpress.com/

18th – http://mirrormadeofwords.com/

19th – http://www.brookeharrison.com/

20th – http://miriamjoywrites.com/

21st – http://eighthundredninety.blogspot.com/

22nd – http://unikkelyfe.wordpress.com/

23rd – http://aaronandtamarabooks.blogspot.com/

24th – http://www.butterfliesoftheimagination.weebly.com/

25th – https://erinkenobi2893.wordpress.com/

26th – http://turtlesinmysoup.blogspot.com/

27th – http://missalexandrinabrant.wordpress.com/

28th – http://teenscanwritetoo.wordpress.com/ – The topic for July’s blog chain will be announced.

Thanks for reading, and God Bless! 🙂

A Random Story

28 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by erinkenobi2893 in Tales of a Wandering Bard, Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

alice in wonderland, alligators, author, bagels, bbc sherlock, disney, doug, dragons, dug, editor, electronics, funerals, g.k. chesterton, hilary clinton, iris, j.r.r. tolkien, john h. watson, justin beiber, lewis carrol, lord of the rings, madeleine l'engle, moriarty, paratroopers, pixar, sherlock holmes, social networking sites, the hobbit, united nations, up, venus flytraps

This is what happens when three writers on the way back from Washington, DC get bored. They begin a randomly-jumping-in-and-writing game of Story Round! And this is what results. Bask in the random awepicness!

Bold: Erin

Italics: Iris

Underline: Our other friend (who in real life shares a first name with me!)

Once upon a time, there was a dragon. He had nothing to read, and so he picked up a book by G.K. Chesterton, and his [the dragon’s] name was Fred.

However, the book turned out to be the wrong dust jacket on the wrong book, and he found himself reading “The Hobbit.” Caesar and Napoleon put all their genius into being heard of, and they WERE heard of, with a loud snore like a clap of thunder. And he [Fred] had a chicken as an uncle.

iPods and iPhones fought the other MP3 players, CD players, tape players, and radios, while Facebook bad-mouthed Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr hid. Instagram kissed Pinterest, who fainted. Touchpads and iPads fought the other tablets, who were led by General Samsung Galaxy. The authors studiously ignored them all with a tea-drinking contest. The computers got tired of the authors procrastinating and revolted. His [Fred’s] life was ended when a tomahawk came down and through the door he [Fred] entered.

Aliens came down from Camazotz and fought a marvelous battle with the Hobbits, and Bilbo, Frodo, Merry, Sam, and Pippin whopped them spectacularly and sent them packing. They [the aliens] hid in a rabbit hole and were lost forever in Wonderland. They ran into Cyrus and Alice as the two were on their adventures, and our intrepid heroes slaughtered them all.

The squirrel fell off the balcony and into Doug [from “Up”]’s mouth. Dug died of imaginary tuberculosis (so he wasn’t really dead) and was sent to Camazotz, where he turned into IT. Meanwhile, Moriarty snored up a storm, so Sherlock stuffed a biscuit in his mouth and escaped over the back fence. Meanwhile, Meg Murry defeated IT and IT turned back into nice, friendly Doug. [She made me spell it like this and not like Dug, which is how it was spelled on the back of the movie case. Gah.] They all went back to Earth, where Doug became friends with Fortinbras.

A dog dressed in a military uniform walked up the aisle beside the casket at the funeral for the squirrel, which [the casket] was empty because, of course, the squirrel had been eaten. Meanwhile, Twitter and the United Nations texted disrespectfully in the background. Then Sherlock ran in, shouting that the coffin was NOT really empty. Hilary Clinton gawked. Justin Beiber screamed like a fangirl and fainted. John Watson stepped over his inert body and opened the coffin, which contained a bagel. The entire funeral dissolved into a brawl as to who got the bagel. Sherlock told Clinton to shut her mouth. It snapped shut like an alligator or a Venus Flytrap. Doug tried to bury the bagel for later as Facebook ran in and screamed that Twitter was cheating on him. He laid Twitter out with a punch and ran out the door with Sherlock and John in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, tablet paratroopers dropped in and carried off the bagel for their general’s breakfast, so everyone else went back to the funeral. They buried Moriarty in the grave with the tomahawk and now-empty casket, Facebook went to jail, everyone cried buckets, and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Author’s note: Being the scribe, I got to embellish wherever I liked. I also added notes in the hopes that it would help you, my readers, understand the complete craziness that happened on that trip. Here’s hoping that you enjoyed the story! Thanks for reading, and God Bless!

 

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