Welcome to the New Webster Online Dictionary, wherein your worst fears are realized…
Okay, not Webster, welcome to the twisted and insane mind of Erin Kenobi. There, that’s better. X-P
Here are some terms (and people) you may not be familiar with, together with who or what they are. Enjoy!
Author: Someone who has the writing habit, a muse, an editor, and people living in their head.
Author Bug: The virus-like disease which takes over people’s minds and makes them over in the image of the author who first gave them the disease.
Bob the Marshmallow: This is the guy responsible for my writer’s block. I did not make up his name. He named himself. He is ridiculous and lives in a hole in the middle of the Tarnation Tree. If any of my posts are late, blame him.
Characters: The people who live in authors’ heads. They come in four categories; the good, the bad, the ugly, and the “Who cares?!”
Editor: Editors, for some reason, are separate from Muses. They are, I think, related to the Valar. Some humans, too, become editors; just as some humans become immortal.
Erin (aka ErinKenobi2893, Erin Kalana Kenobi II): The author of this blog and writer of mostly fantasy stories, with some fanfiction, mystery, science fiction and suspense for a garnish. For some reason she has not published any fantasy stories (other than short ones) on this blog yet. [Update: Check out Bound to the Flame. Multiple chapters! An actual novel! Wheee!] (What’s with the rules?! Why can’t I include myself in the list of definitions?! Read more about me here.) Best friend of Iris.
Goblins: Cause computer shutdowns and memory loss, and the loss of notebooks.
Internet Incubuses: Are the Masters of Distraction. Twitter Twinkles, Facebook Fairies, and Blogging Bogguns are the worst, and most prevalent. Drive them away with Poison Ink.
Iris: My Earth Angel and best friend, and fellow author and poet. 😀 (Yes, I will leave this up, Iris! I don’t care if you think it’s rank flattery, it’s true!) [Update: Also, a mistress of over-exaggerated praise.]
Jewel: Full name Jewellia Falian. My thirteen-year-old middle sister.
Koalalimpets: The koalalimpet is a strange creature that loves to cling around people’s necks and hug people; alternatively, they will refuse all human contact. They are very contrary, and absolutely love noodles. (My little sister Raya is one.)
Kysherin: My evil muse. Unfortunately, I’m one of the authors who got the Dark Muses.
Muse: They started out as a group of nine in Ancient Greece, but then they reproduced, and reproduced again. Each Muse generally is assigned to one author, and they take ill any meddling with “their” authors. However, they occasionally invite others to help them. Some Muses turned evil, and they go around tormenting authors. Some, regrettably, of the Evil Muses have been assigned authors; others go about and randomly torment authors not their own. The evil variety tend to spawn plot twists and horror, or a tendency to torment the favored characters of the author. Good Muses tend to inspire pleasant poems and clear, concise prose; a poem inspired by an Evil Muse is a nightmare, and their prose is worse.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: My personal editor. Not a Maiar, but a human being who became immortal, Obi-Wan is generally sympathetic, and acts as a gentle but firm moral compass.
Plot Bunnies: Trekkies have described the Plot Bunny as resembling a Tribble, both in personality and habits. However, unlike Tribbles, Plot Bunnies inspire insane plot twists (and even alternate universe and alternate history stories.) Not to be confused with the Plot Cobra.
Plot Cobra: Similar to the Plot Bunny, Plot Cobras inspire new plot twists. However, unlike the Plot Bunny, once you’ve been bitten by the Plot Cobra, your former story will wither away and die while the new one thrives, taking over the entire story world. Extremely dangerous! Shoot on sight!
Plot: A plot is something set in motion by an author to get revenge on the people living inside their head.
Poison Ink: The author’s best defense against Typo Turkeys, Evil Muses (who, though immortal, can be temporarily driven away by it), an annoying Editor or random Incubuses or Goblins. Despite the fact that Plot Bunnies are not immortal, for some reason Poison Ink does not work on them. You have to starve them out instead.
Raya: My four-year-old youngest sister.
Shendi: The made-up language that has appeared in nearly all of my stories. It has its own complex history, and, to quote Iris, “would rival the work of Tolkien!” Well, maybe. Except for the fact that I only have one, while Tolkien had four, and mine only includes only a hundred odd (cataloged) words, so far.
Spontaneous Expedient Character Defamation Syndrome: Now, apparently, since Barriss Offee is officially a victim of this dangerous author-contracted disease, this needs to be faced. This happens whenever a previously good character goes spontaneously out of character and turns evil, despite the fact that they are not intended to be evil, simply for the sake of convenience.
Sprite: My fifteen-year-old brother. Properly styled Sergeant Sprite. He is a staff sergeant (?) in the Grand Army of the Republic, and my official reference for all things military, weaponry, and/or warfare. Not to mention a great stand-up comedian in his off time!
Typo Turkey: An unusual, though all-too-common bird, whenever they appear, grammatical and spelling chaos follow. Extremely dangerous. Shoot on sight, preferably with Poison Ink.
Worldbuilding: Generally done by two cooperating authors by roleplaying. If you, the layperson, ever see two authors in close conference, talking like their characters, avoid them like the plague! You may catch the writing bug!
Now, for a few random Erin-isms… 😉
Broad is the road that leads to destruction, and narrow the path that leads to salvation. (And sometimes it’s purple.)
A plot is something I use to get back at the people living in my head.
All authors are high-functioning sociopaths. We just confine our murders to fictional people.